just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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