can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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