I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
