my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
