I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
