Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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