my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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