i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
