i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize