Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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