Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
