i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize