he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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