i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
