Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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