I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
