omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
