I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
