What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
