I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
