You can't motorboat a personality
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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