i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
