He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
two words: eviction party
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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