im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
