My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
