I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize