He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need a burrito and a hug.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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