Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
