if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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