Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
