There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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