I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
