So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
