you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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