Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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