I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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