dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
