Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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