Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
