I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
