I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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