And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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