I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
