Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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