somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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