she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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