Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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