Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize