There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
