listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
