i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
