remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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