The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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