The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize