I'm sorry my penis didn't work
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
