im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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