You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wear drunk well.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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