I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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