You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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