im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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