Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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