I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Houston, we have a blender
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
