I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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